


Less Than Human

by Ghostwriter (Zoya_Zalan)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 08:38:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3803953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya_Zalan/pseuds/Ghostwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn Janeway takes a long, hard look in the mirror.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Less Than Human

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : Paramount owns all things Voyager; I'm just borrowing. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Author’s Note** : This is my response to the episode "Fair Haven." Rated M to be on the safe side, as there is at least one adult reference.
> 
> For Kathryn Janeway, who has always deserved better.
> 
> Written in January 2000.

~ * ~ * ~

I'm still shocked by my own behavior sometimes. The last six years have been very revealing to me in that respect. I aligned myself with the Borg, for God's sake. Starfleet's bound to have a field day with that one when we reach the Alpha Quadrant. My conduct during the Equinox incident will raise more than a few eyebrows as well, I'm sure. But, that's just the beginning. I've loosely interpreted the Prime Directive on more than one occasion if the results worked in my favor, and I've even broken it, too. Funny how I just couldn't bring myself to admit that to Captain Ransom. I didn't want to put myself in his category. No... my transgressions are far better hidden than his. After all, I've managed to point my high and mighty finger of authority, condemning the ethics and practices of a Cardassian doctor who experimented on thousands of innocent people while the very ship I command is outfitted with technology taken from a species that has assimilated billions.

I'm such a hypocrite... 

But, what I've done now goes far beyond simple transgressions. By definition, my actions fall well within the bounds of those Starfleet precepts I've sworn to uphold. On a personal level, though, those same actions have reduced me to a level to which I've never descended before. The excuse I offer in defense, while legitimate, is still wafer-thin in the larger scheme of things.

Loneliness has been with me since this ill-fated voyage began, spreading like a cancerous growth until no part of me or my life has been unaffected. Protocol has provided me with a nice asylum, but that didn't stop the pain even when I did follow and support Starfleet principles. I'm alone... and lonely. Six years is a hell of a long time to hold the weight of an entire community on my shoulders. In a moment of weakness, I allowed myself to enjoy a diversion, but that diversion turned into something I should never have allowed to continue. Did I stop it? No. The rest is history.

All my mistakes and miscalculations will come back to haunt me eventually, I know. My Judgment Day will come. Starfleet will probably wave it all off, citing command stress under unusual circumstances as the reason behind my inappropriate actions. Maybe they'll be right, too. I can handle a few reprimands on my record. After all I've been through, it really won't make much of a difference. But, what about my personal indiscretions? Will I ever be able to resolve them?

These questions and more race through my mind as I touch the controls outside the holodeck. The door opens obediently, showing the happy, carefree atmosphere of Fair Haven beyond. He's there waiting for me, a knowing smile on his unkempt face. A soft order from me engages the privacy protocols and I step inside, leaving reality behind. We'll make love, of course; we always do, and I'll be amazed once more at how real this manipulation of light beams and photonic energy can be, right down to the taste of him in my mouth. So real...

Denial can be a very powerful thing. 

I've stopped wondering why I've accepted this, why I'm so satisfied with someone who isn't real... and it's never occurred to me until now that it may be because I've become less than human myself.

~ * ~ finis ~ * ~


End file.
